Strong

I have always been “strong”.

It’s probably a word that many people who know me would use to describe my personality...Strong.

That word bothers me.

Strong.

Maybe because my strength has been a facade created over many years of protecting myself from dangers, real and perceived. An armor that I crafted that has been worn for so long, it can no longer be removed.

How do you tell people that you’re not strong? That you’re vulnerable and soft. That you feel everything to your core. That sometimes you need to be saved.

How do you remove your armor when it’s the only protection your heart has?

04/05/18 // why float when you can swim

I remember talking to my mother in law about being stressed out and she told me to just “stay afloat”.
Staying afloat is something I know well. I have stayed afloat for most of my life, even when I was sinking inside. I have gotten so good at staying afloat that when I crash and burn, the people in my life are surprised, and honestly I am too.

Today I had a conversation with a friend and she shared these same feelings with me. I think, as women, we are told that we’re so strong, we won’t crack under pressure. And if we do start to crack, we should fake it/stay afloat until we’re over it. Now, don’t get me wrong. I think that women are incredibly strong but that strength doesn’t take away from the fact that we need support. We need sisterhood, we need villages and friendships. We need to be able to rely on others until we are able to swim instead of float.

Our conversation spark something within. If I am struggling with aspects of womanhood, and so are other women in my life, why aren’t we encouraging each other to swim? I want to be a support for the women I love. I want to support them when they can only stay afloat but encourage them to swim and I hope they do the same for me.

10/20/17 // #metoo

I was 10 when it happened.
I only know this because I still remember the house we lived in.

I wanted to go to my aunt's house so when my mom's friend, who was visiting, offered to give me a ride, I didn't think twice.
On the way to my aunt's, he told me he needed to pick something up from his house before he dropped me off.

I was 10 so I didn't question this.

He told me to come with him while he went inside.

Again, I was 10, so I didn't question this.

I don't remember much of what happened but I'll never forget what he said to me. Those words have lived within my for the past 22 years and I doubt they'll ever go away...I'll never forget them.

I remember that after the assault, instead of taking me to my aunt's house, he drove me to a parking lot a block from my house. When I got out of the car, he told me that if I didn't tell anyone, he would give me things.

I walked home and immediately told my mom.

I don't know what happened afterward. I'm sure I blocked it out in an effort to protect myself. I do know that he wasn't charged and continued to live in my town. I remember seeing him years later and when he saw my face, it was as if he'd seen a ghost. I remember feeling a sense of power over his reaction.

Now, at 32 (and with the #metoo allowing for these stories to be heard), I am remembering things that I, no doubt, suppressed. That man's (he had to be in his 40s when he assaulted me) backyard literally shared a fence with an elementary school. I was 10! That man was a pedophile.

For years I blamed myself for what happened. If I hadn't been so developed at 10, this wouldn't have happened. If I had just walked instead of going inside with him, this wouldn't have happened.

But there is nothing that I could have possibly done at 10 to excuse what happened to me. I was assaulted. And like so many other people in this world, we're not victims, we're survivors.

07/29/17 // unwanted

I have felt unwanted my entire life. Constantly surrounded by people who never made an effort to get to know me, or even love me. I walked through life as an empty shell, waiting begging for someone to come along and fill me up with their presence. And it never happened. And now I'm a mother trying to raise healthy, happy children, when I'm neither. And even though their love and laughter is the only thing keeping me afloat, I also know that their presence is only temporary. One day they'll leave and start lives of their own. I just hope they still want me.

07/09/17 // a fresh start

a quick note: I am moving in a new direction with this space. After (almost) a year absence, I realized that I want to have this be a space for me to journal. No catchy titles and clique topics, just thoughts and feelings of a mom/wife trying to show up every day and give my all even if that means falling hard along the way. I will still post pictures and touch on our everyday life but I will also post raw, unedited versions of myself as well. So, let's start this new journey. 

//

Life. Life happens fast when you least expect it. One day you think you have it in your grasp only to feel it hit you, hard, just to remind you that it's in control. A year in Hawai`i has come and gone. Even though everything around me is moving so fast, days flying by, turning from sunrise to darkness in the blink of an eye, I am stagnant. Staying the same while life around me changes and evolves. Every day another version of the last until I broke free of the fog of mediocrity and excuses that held me blind for so long (longer than I'd like to admit). I am finally ready to show up every day. To be vulnerable. To hold myself accountable. And to be the mom and wife I know I can be. This journey is long overdue.