Dear Asher...

My little ball of emotion. Being two has been hard for you and I completely understand why. Your emotions are so big that it's hard to contain them in your little body. You want so badly to be understood, to be heard. It's understandable. There are times as a mama that I feel the same way. 

Even with so many emotions flowing, you are always such a loving soul. The way you softly touch my face when you talk to me, the way you do things with so much passion, these things make you, you (and definitely make up for the times that you're not so nice). 

You're going to be a great big brother once we establish that the baby who's hogging Mama is indeed the same baby that used to be in Mama's belly.   

Dear Liam...

You held Aurora for the first time today. The look of happiness on your face brings tears to my eyes as I write this. You are an amazing kid/son/being. You have a kind heart and a huge spirit that I both admire and envy.

I'll never forget this look because it's the same one I had when I held you (and Asher and now Aurora) for the first time.

It's a look of pure, organic love.

Dear Aurora Everly...

Your arrival into this world was fast and fierce. Even though we've been anxiously awaiting your arrival for weeks, you managed to surprise us.

The moment you were placed on my chest, it's almost as if I had everything I could ever need in life at that exact moment. My life, my world, my universe made sense and even though we'd just met, you'd always been a part of it. I felt the same way when I met your brothers. It's a feeling that's hard to understand or to explain but it's like seeing a piece of your heart in your hands. A piece of myself in the eyes of someone I've been waiting to meet my entire life.

Welcome to this chaos sweet tiny baby. 

Pregnancy Notes // 39 weeks

I honestly did not think I would still be pregnant right now. After my 38 week appointment, my doctor had my hopes up that I'd be meeting this tiny baby within a couple days. Well, a week and two hospital visits later, I'm still pregnant. I actually thought I was in labor twice this week but both times turned out to be nothing. No baby, no progression and now that I'm home, I'm okay with that.

This baby isn't late, I mean, I'm not even due yet. What's the rush? This baby is going to be born into a world of hurrying, of constant busyness. This baby is reminding me to slow down and enjoy our last moments together, in this body, our secret world. There's no reason to rush that. 

Pregnancy Notes // Waiting for baby

I admit, I'm getting impatient. Even though I'm only 37 weeks pregnant, I usually go into labor around this time so I'm anticipating that will be the case this time as well (although I have a feeling, I'll be pregnant for a little while longer). 

I was waiting on some things to arrive (like the super soft blanket from Saranoni in the picture) and now that they're here and everything is freshly washed and packed, I'm even more anxious.

I think this is the most prepared I have ever been before childbirth. The only thing I haven't done is pre-register at the hospital (something I've actually never done) but if I'm still pregnant by my next prenatal appointment on Friday, I'll take care of that then (our hospital and my doctor are in another town about 20 minutes away from our house).

Until then, I'm just trying to remind myself that stressing over things I can't control only hurts, not helps. Our lives will be pretty chaotic for the next few months. There's nothing I can do but embrace the chaos and thrive in it. 

Pregnancy Notes // 37 weeks

Everything about this time, this little baby, this life feels just right yet I can't help but fall into old habits.

The anticipation is here and I'll soon be a mama of three. Three little people to love, to teach, to learn from. This little baby will be joining our chaos soon and I know there will be more lessons for all of us while we're adjusting.

I know that things will not be perfect, that we will have to create a new normal, a new chaos. I know all these things yet my needs for control, for perfection are slowly creeping back in.

I have a feeling that letting go will be the main lesson for me during this time. 

Letting go of control, the idea of perfection and replacing it with joy, laughter, gratitude.

Letting go of rigidness, of aloofness and embracing love and life. 

I'm ready whenever you are little baby. 

Plant Based Family // Weeks 3 & 4

I ate a hot dog. That felt so good to get off my chest! I felt horrible afterwards and I doubt I'll eat anything like that soon. I guess if you're going to go backwards on a plant-based diet, you might as well eat something horrible like a gas station hot dog just to remind you why you gave up meat in the first place.

We've been thriving at home with our diet and I know once we get to Hawaii, it'll be even better (there are lots of vegetarian/vegan friendly restaurants and let's not forget Whole Foods). Will and I still haven't come to an agreement about restricting meat from the kids' diets. I think we should all go meat free but he feels that if we're eating out and they ask for meat, we shouldn't deny them. We'll see what we end up on but as of right now, no meat at home. Here are a couple dishes I made over the last two weeks:

Will actually made this homemade ramen for dinner. He loosely followed a Minimalist Baker recipe and it turned out really good!

Vegan s'mores and coffee. The perfect breakfast.

More vegan s'mores! So good!

Growing as a Wife

I am a very difficult person to please, I'll admit it. I can be overly critical of the people I love and sometimes a lot of times, my expectations are unreasonable. 

In our five years of marriage, Will and I have been through many ups and downs. We have learned so much about each other and life in general along the way. It's so weird to realize that it's never really been the two of us. We met, got married and started a family all within a couple months (a lot of people are still surprised that we're still married, believe me, so are we at times) so my identity as a wife has always been intertwined with being a mother.

It has taken five years for me to realize that in order for me to be a good mama, I also have to be a good wife. Our marriage is the foundation for our family and if I continue to neglect our relationship, that foundation will never be strong. 

This year, I am focusing on being a better me as well as building the relationships I cherish. I intend to put more effort into my marriage and I know our family will flourish in return. Although it'll never truly be the two of us, the universe brought us down this path for a reason. Last year, we hit rock bottom but 2016 will be a year of rebuilding, it will be a year of us.