Dear Asher...

My little ball of emotion. Being two has been hard for you and I completely understand why. Your emotions are so big that it's hard to contain them in your little body. You want so badly to be understood, to be heard. It's understandable. There are times as a mama that I feel the same way. 

Even with so many emotions flowing, you are always such a loving soul. The way you softly touch my face when you talk to me, the way you do things with so much passion, these things make you, you (and definitely make up for the times that you're not so nice). 

You're going to be a great big brother once we establish that the baby who's hogging Mama is indeed the same baby that used to be in Mama's belly.   

Dear Liam...

You held Aurora for the first time today. The look of happiness on your face brings tears to my eyes as I write this. You are an amazing kid/son/being. You have a kind heart and a huge spirit that I both admire and envy.

I'll never forget this look because it's the same one I had when I held you (and Asher and now Aurora) for the first time.

It's a look of pure, organic love.

Dear Aurora Everly...

Your arrival into this world was fast and fierce. Even though we've been anxiously awaiting your arrival for weeks, you managed to surprise us.

The moment you were placed on my chest, it's almost as if I had everything I could ever need in life at that exact moment. My life, my world, my universe made sense and even though we'd just met, you'd always been a part of it. I felt the same way when I met your brothers. It's a feeling that's hard to understand or to explain but it's like seeing a piece of your heart in your hands. A piece of myself in the eyes of someone I've been waiting to meet my entire life.

Welcome to this chaos sweet tiny baby. 

Pregnancy Notes // 39 weeks

I honestly did not think I would still be pregnant right now. After my 38 week appointment, my doctor had my hopes up that I'd be meeting this tiny baby within a couple days. Well, a week and two hospital visits later, I'm still pregnant. I actually thought I was in labor twice this week but both times turned out to be nothing. No baby, no progression and now that I'm home, I'm okay with that.

This baby isn't late, I mean, I'm not even due yet. What's the rush? This baby is going to be born into a world of hurrying, of constant busyness. This baby is reminding me to slow down and enjoy our last moments together, in this body, our secret world. There's no reason to rush that. 

Pregnancy Notes // Waiting for baby

I admit, I'm getting impatient. Even though I'm only 37 weeks pregnant, I usually go into labor around this time so I'm anticipating that will be the case this time as well (although I have a feeling, I'll be pregnant for a little while longer). 

I was waiting on some things to arrive (like the super soft blanket from Saranoni in the picture) and now that they're here and everything is freshly washed and packed, I'm even more anxious.

I think this is the most prepared I have ever been before childbirth. The only thing I haven't done is pre-register at the hospital (something I've actually never done) but if I'm still pregnant by my next prenatal appointment on Friday, I'll take care of that then (our hospital and my doctor are in another town about 20 minutes away from our house).

Until then, I'm just trying to remind myself that stressing over things I can't control only hurts, not helps. Our lives will be pretty chaotic for the next few months. There's nothing I can do but embrace the chaos and thrive in it. 

Pregnancy Notes // 37 weeks

Everything about this time, this little baby, this life feels just right yet I can't help but fall into old habits.

The anticipation is here and I'll soon be a mama of three. Three little people to love, to teach, to learn from. This little baby will be joining our chaos soon and I know there will be more lessons for all of us while we're adjusting.

I know that things will not be perfect, that we will have to create a new normal, a new chaos. I know all these things yet my needs for control, for perfection are slowly creeping back in.

I have a feeling that letting go will be the main lesson for me during this time. 

Letting go of control, the idea of perfection and replacing it with joy, laughter, gratitude.

Letting go of rigidness, of aloofness and embracing love and life. 

I'm ready whenever you are little baby. 

Plant Based Family // Weeks 3 & 4

I ate a hot dog. That felt so good to get off my chest! I felt horrible afterwards and I doubt I'll eat anything like that soon. I guess if you're going to go backwards on a plant-based diet, you might as well eat something horrible like a gas station hot dog just to remind you why you gave up meat in the first place.

We've been thriving at home with our diet and I know once we get to Hawaii, it'll be even better (there are lots of vegetarian/vegan friendly restaurants and let's not forget Whole Foods). Will and I still haven't come to an agreement about restricting meat from the kids' diets. I think we should all go meat free but he feels that if we're eating out and they ask for meat, we shouldn't deny them. We'll see what we end up on but as of right now, no meat at home. Here are a couple dishes I made over the last two weeks:

Will actually made this homemade ramen for dinner. He loosely followed a Minimalist Baker recipe and it turned out really good!

Vegan s'mores and coffee. The perfect breakfast.

More vegan s'mores! So good!

Growing as a Wife

I am a very difficult person to please, I'll admit it. I can be overly critical of the people I love and sometimes a lot of times, my expectations are unreasonable. 

In our five years of marriage, Will and I have been through many ups and downs. We have learned so much about each other and life in general along the way. It's so weird to realize that it's never really been the two of us. We met, got married and started a family all within a couple months (a lot of people are still surprised that we're still married, believe me, so are we at times) so my identity as a wife has always been intertwined with being a mother.

It has taken five years for me to realize that in order for me to be a good mama, I also have to be a good wife. Our marriage is the foundation for our family and if I continue to neglect our relationship, that foundation will never be strong. 

This year, I am focusing on being a better me as well as building the relationships I cherish. I intend to put more effort into my marriage and I know our family will flourish in return. Although it'll never truly be the two of us, the universe brought us down this path for a reason. Last year, we hit rock bottom but 2016 will be a year of rebuilding, it will be a year of us. 

As 2015 Comes to a Close...

I'm laying in bed with Asher taking a little time to reflect on this year. It has been a year of struggles with a bright, shining light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I hated strongly disliked so much about this year, I'd repeat it over and over just for the moments I've shared with my babies (and Will, sometimes).

2015 was a hard year for Will and I but in the midst of our struggle, I was reminded of our three rays of light even on our darkest days. A reminder to slow down, to savor life. A reminder to figure my shit out and be the parent I needed growing up. A reminder that I'm not only here to teach my kids but to learn from them as well. A reminder that in order for me to be present and mindful, I must take care of myself first.

Over the last year, I've had visions of the woman I want to be. The woman that I know I am deep within and I plan to spend 2016 working on releasing that woman inner goddess. That doesn't mean that I'm not focusing on my family next year, it's quite the opposite actually. My family deserves that woman just like I deserve to be her. My family needs me and I am going to make damn sure that the me they get is the best version I can give. 

2016 is going to be a great year of adventure, abundance and most importantly, love. I wish you all a wonderful and prosperous new year!

Plant-based Family // Weeks 1 & 2

We are currently in our second week of eating completely plant-based! Even though we were vegetarian at home for a few months before I became pregnant, Will was still eating meat outside the house. Well, this time, he decided to be completely meat free as well (the boys have eaten meat a couple of times though). 

The transition was pretty much nonexistent. We didn't slowly cut out meat or anything. I just only meal planned meat free meals and when it was time to get groceries, I didn't buy any meat. It's really easy for us at home since we don't have a choice but to eat plant based but I must say that I'm really surprised that Will hasn't eaten meat. He has access to meat while at work but he's staying with this change and I think he's starting to see the benefits already. 

I thought it would be neat to share a few of our meals just so people can see what a plant based family eats. I hope you enjoy the pictures like we enjoyed the meals!

Vegan pizza! I added the sauteed mushrooms, onions and peppers.

Vegan banana crumb muffins

Vegan cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning

Our vegan Christmas dinner: Green bean casserole, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, cranberry sauce and dinner rolls

Pregnancy Notes // 34 weeks

We're a few days into our 34th week! I'm excited, nervous and a little anxious. I went into labor (naturally) with Asher at 37.5 weeks and I think this little baby will make an early appearance as well. We had our doctor's appointment early this week and everything looked great. I didn't have any contractions during the 20 minutes of monitoring but my doctor said that's completely fine. We scheduled my next appointment but due to the holidays and my doctor's office vacation, I won't see him again until mid January. I have a feeling I won't make it that far but we'll see. Either way, I'm ready for this baby's arrival...sort of...okay, not really but I'm anxiously awaiting the moment I see this baby for the first time. It'll be magically, just like it was the last two times. 

Dear Liam...

Five years ago, we met for the first time. I held you in my arms and for a moment we stared at each other. Little did I know that tiny little baby would turn into the amazing little man you are now.

You have this energy, this spunk that I never had the chance to experience as a child. You're the kid I wish I could have been and even though I constantly try to tame you, I never want to break your spirit.

Today I wanted you to have the perfect birthday. Even though we weren't planning a birthday party, I wanted to make the day an extra special day, just for you. Well, it turns out that your birthday was a special day for me. Everything wasn't turning out the way I planned, the way I envisioned. You never complained because in your eyes, everything was perfect. You had the perfect, imperfect fifth birthday and gave me the best present of all: your happiness.

Happy birthday lovebug!

Pregnancy Notes // 32 weeks

Last week, baby and I had our 32 week appointment. At the beginning of our appointment, I spent 20 minutes hooked up to the heart rate/contraction monitor. Once I met with my doctor, he noticed that baby's heart rate was low for a couple minutes at the beginning. Even though everything went back to normal afterwards, he wanted to be on the safe side. He had me schedule an appointment for two days later to come in and get monitored again but this time he wanted me to sit up instead of lay down. 

So baby and I came in for a special Saturday visit. I realized how uncomfortable laying down was compared to sitting up. It usually takes the nurse a minute or so to find the baby's heartbeat but this time, she was able to get it right away. Afterwards, our doctor looked over the results and everything looked perfect. I'll definitely be asking to sit up from now on. I think that will make both of us a lot happier.

Currently

Reading: I just finished reading "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho and I loved it! I don't know why I hadn't read it before. I started "Warrior of the Light" (also by Coelho) yesterday and hope to finish it soon since I'm next in line for both "Why Not Me?" by Mindy Kaling and "Americanah" by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. 

Doing: I've been trying to wake up earlier than the boys to get in a little me time. I would like to get back into the habit of a daily meditation and yoga ritual before the baby gets here. Both will help tremendously while we figure out our new version of chaos. 

Thinking about: The thought of community has been on my mind a lot recently. With our upcoming move just a few months away, I am hoping to avoid the isolation I experience here. I know this means stepping out of my comfort zone and seeking friendships but it's easier said than done. I just need to remember that having a village makes life so much more lively. It'll be worth it in the end. 

Looking forward to: My lovebug, Liam, will be five next week. FIVE!! How did that even happen? Where did the time go?? We're keeping everything simple this year so we're not throwing him a party. Instead, we're going to do a special celebration at home then take the train to the Nürnberg Christmas market the following weekend. Liam's best friend, RaShad, and his mom will be going us so it should be an exciting trip. 

Loving: I am loving everything about this pregnancy (and little baby). If history repeats itself, we only have about six more weeks before we meet face to face. I'm trying not to think about it too much because I don't want this time right now to pass by. I want to savor this. 

This new series was inspired by Danielle of Sometimes Sweet who was inspired by her friend Megan.

Motherhood || Becoming the Parent I Needed

Motherhood is something I rarely thought about before becoming pregnant with Liam. I don't remember fantasizing about becoming a mother or thinking about baby names. As the oldest child in an unstable home, I spent so much time helping with my siblings that I figured I would be prepared for motherhood. It would just be something that happened and I would handle it and that would be it. 

This mentality stuck around for quite awhile until I started working on healing from my traumatic past (writing those words is hard for me because even though I know my childhood sucked in so many ways, I feel that there are so many people that had it worse). As a kid, both of my parents were absent in different ways. My dad was completely absent from our lives. No phone calls, no visits, no relationship (even to this day). My mom was physically present yet mentally absent at the same time.

It took me a long time to realize that I am repeating this cycle with my children. I am becoming a present yet absent parent. I am surviving motherhood rather than embracing this amazing experience in my life. And that's exactly what I don't want for my kids. I don't want to look back on all the ways I could have been there for them, on all the ways I could have been present. I want to look back and know that I am lucky to share my life with these little ones and know that I did my very best. And I hope that if parenthood is in the future for my kids, they want to be like the mother they have. 

Life Lately

This year has been full of forward and backwards movement. It has truly been one of the most difficult years of our marriage. I feel like the worst is behind us now and I'm ready for a fresh start.

I hate to put so much pressure on our move to Hawaii but I honestly feel like it's the change we need right now. Even with the chaotic and most likely stressful move ahead of us, I see so much promise in Hawaii. 

But before we even start packing for our move, we still have the holidays (as well as Liam's birthday and this tiny baby's arrival) to get through. We're keeping things simple this year. I am letting go of the need for control and perfection with our decorations, mostly because I'm on a no-buying mission. There are so many things I wanted to add this year (a new garland, more decor) but in reality, they were all unnecessary. I want to focus on experiences rather than things so I put away our expensive glass ornaments and decided to let the boys do most of the tree trimming. I think that's a better memory anyways. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

The holiday season always makes me miss my family in the states but I'm a very lucky lady to get to spend time with my boys (husband included) and tiny baby. I'm so thankful for this life, this time, this love and yes, even this chaos. We hope your Thanksgiving is full of smiles as well. 

Natural Hair Journey Update

It has been 10 months since I shared a hair update (after I cut off quite a bit of hair) and my hair has grown quite a bit. I'm still wearing wash and go's (I'll share that routine soon, I promise) about 99.8% of the time. Partly because I'm lazy but mostly because I hate the way other styles look on me. I experimented with twist outs and noticed that I touched my hair way more than when I just wear a wash and go.

For awhile I felt like my hair wasn't growing. It wasn't until I looked at the pictures from January that I realized its not only growing but I've been able to retain length as well.

Although a lot of people feel you can't retain length and grow long natural hair on a wash and go regimen, it seems to work for me and my kinks and curls. 

I'll be updating regularly especially once the baby gets here since I'll likely experience postpartum shedding (bye-bye edges).

If you have any questions about my hair journey so far, feel free to leave them below!

Dear Tiny Baby...

As I feel you move within my body, I realize that life wouldn't be the same without you in it. With every kick and stretch, I fall more and more in love with you. This is a feeling that only you and I share and maybe I'm a little selfish but I like it that way. Even though I share the magic of your movements with your dad and brothers, I know that it's not the same. It's almost as if we share a secret world that others get to visit. As much as I want to hold you in my arms, to finally see your face, I'm not ready for this secret world to end. So I'll keep cherishing this time we have together before I have to share you with everyone else. 

Love,

Mama

Pregnancy Notes // 29 Weeks

It's been awhile. I've mostly been away because my phone (which had already had its screen replaced once) broke. I also lost my Nikon charger so I haven't taken any pictures over the last couple weeks.

But on to this little baby! We had our last appointment last week (at 29 weeks exactly) and everything is looking great. The baby is measuring a week ahead (which doesn't bother me since I usually give birth around 37 weeks). My doctor (who I adore) said that the baby has already engaged so I shouldn't have to worry about a breech birth (although it is possible, just unlikely). All in all, everything looked great except for my iron levels. He gave me a prescription (which I still need to fill).

I am hoping to be far more prepared this time around so I have started obsessing over the things I need to do. I'm so ready to hold this little baby in my arms but for now, I'm going to enjoy our last few weeks of pregnancy.