Monday, August 29, 2016

Embracing my Season

Am I the only mom who looks at her children and can't believe that she's their mother?

Maybe but probably not. I swear I was just 21 yesterday and now I'm the mother of three amazing, beautiful children. Children who rely on me now but will eventually leave and start their own separate lives.

I try not to think about that too much because that's just living in the future instead of being present and embracing the season of motherhood that I'm in.

My season is littles running around, never having a completely clean house, temper tantrums and breaking up fights. It's love and exhaustion and frustration and joy on a daily (sometimes minute by minute) basis. It's being completely overwhelmed during the day and laying in a bed filled with little bodies at night knowing I wouldn't have life any other way.

This season of motherhood won't last long. One day I'll blink and my littles will be bigs and I'll swear that yesterday they were small enough to fit in my arms. Until then, I will try my hardest to embrace every moment of this season (even the temper tantrums, they'll make good stories later on) and let the future meet us when we get there.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Life and Anxiety in Paradise

We live in Paradise. A place where people dream of visiting yet I stay in the house. I have no motivation to leave, to explore. The desire is there. I want to get out but for some reason, it's almost like I'm held prisoner by imaginary bars...maybe there's one of those invisible electric fences surrounding my house and I'm the only one wearing a collar.

If I'm honest (which I really want to be here on this blog, in this space), this isn't new. This happened when we lived in Germany and I always had an excuse why it wasn't a problem but now, now it's obvious. I have only been to the beach once. The picture above with the bright blue sky, green grass and sparkling ocean wasn't taken by me. Will took this picture during one of his many trips to the beach with the kids. On this day in particular, I stayed locked in our hotel room like a vampire afraid to be touched by the sun.

Anxiety is something I've dealt with before. It's something I know I have to will defeat. I mean, what's the point of living in paradise if you don't bask in its aloha spirit.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Redefining Father's Day

I have always hated Father's Day. It's that one day that makes me think about my relationship (or lack thereof) with my father. This day is a reminder of the bond I don't have and every year, I hate this day. At some point in my childhood, my father decided that parenting is optional. He cut most ties with my sister and I and moved on with his life. He remarried (I found out from the newspaper) and eventually moved back to Chicago without saying a word.
After that, we had a handful of conversations mostly after I'd talk to my grandma and tell me to call him but once I realized that these conversations were one-sided (he rarely asked about my life) and superficial, I tried to contact him as little as possible. This wasn't really hard since he never once called me (even though I had the same phone number for almost 10 years) and I just accepted this.
That was our relationship until the spring break I went to visit my grandma. My father was living with her at the time and I saw him face to face for the first time in years. Everything was fine until he decided to insult my mother's parenting. I exploded. How could someone who decided not to be a parent insult someone who was forced to raise kids completely alone?! That was the first time I fully realized that he thought (and still thinks) of himself as a parent, as a father. He feels as though his decision to walk away was the fault of my mother, my sister and myself. And that's when I felt hatred towards Father's Day.
Once I became a mother and my children had a father of their own, I realized that I had to change my view. I couldn't let my father taint a day when my kids get to celebrate their dad. His love and commitment makes me appreciate the fathers that I see my friends raving about. He's not perfect but to my kids, he's the best. And each year that we celebrate him, I'm able to let go of the resentment Father's Day usually brings.
Happy Father's Day Will.

Saturday, May 7, 2016


We're in Hawaii! We survived the almost 24 hours of traveling and have recovered from the horrible jet lag we had. We landed on O'ahu last week and are staying in a hotel until we get housing (we should sign for our house on Monday). 

I am so ready to get settled. In reality, we'll be in limbo until late June when our car arrives and we get Betty White from quarantine (Hawaii does a 120 day rabies quarantine. She only has to be quarantined for 40+ days since she was able to do most of the quarantine in Germany).

I must admit. I haven't left the hotel much since we got here. I think I have a bit of postpartum depression creeping in. That and it's hot! When we left Germany, it was snowing! I'm starting to adjust though. I think I'll feel a lot better once were out of the hotel (the a/c is not the best here...well, nothing is really the best here but that's a different story). 

I promise to get up and take more pictures soon. Until my next post, Aloha!

Friday, April 22, 2016

(almost) En Route

The movers have packed most our belongings and I watched as they rolled down the street. We have one more day of packing left next week then we'll leave the house we've called home for the past three years. I must admit that this house was never really a "home" even though I have brought two lovely children home in the house and watched another grow into an awesome kid here. I still remember a neighbour and her daughter coming to visit and the daughter asked if we just moved in...we'd been living here for over two years. Our house was pretty bare. No decorations, no personality so it's not too hard to leave it behind.

I have such high hopes for our next house. I realised that I need to go in this house with an idea in mind of how I want things to look. I even put together a little vision board with decorating ideas so we aren't overwhelmed. We're still embracing a simpler look so we actually downsized a lot. We both decided that if we didn't love something in our house and could survive without it, it was not getting put on the moving truck. That might seem crazy to some people but to us, we want to have a house that's homey without being clutter, that shows our personalities and we're okay with waiting a little while for everything to come together.

Besides decorating, I'm excited for the newness of this move. Everything will be new to the kids and it will signify a new, fresh start for Will and I. A new opportunity to grow, to learn.

I'm just going to put this out there...This move is going to be great...we'll once we get past the cleaning and traveling parts.