Turning 31

This is 31. Six years of marriage, three kids, two dogs, preparing to move thousands of miles away in two weeks. 

Always learning, always evolving. 

I am still learning to love the woman I see in the mirror. The woman who is flawed but has come so far, who will make mistakes (because she's human and not perfect) but won't repeat the mistakes of her past.

I'm still learning to love that woman for who she is and who she can become instead of picking her apart for who she once was.

Does that even make sense?

Who knows but 31 feels good. 

On Turning 30

Thirty.

That magical number where you are supposed to have your shit stuff together. Everything is supposed to fall into place. Career, family, life, you know, EVERYTHING.
Well, my thirtieth birthday is fast approaching and I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis. I am starting to realize that for the past two years, I have lived in a bubble. I live this quiet life in my little German village. And I was just fine with that until a letter from Social Security reminded me that I did not make any income during 2013 (or 2014). That's when it hit me that for the last two years, according to the government, I haven't been doing anything with my life. Sure, I'm a stay at home mom of two young children. I know this and love this but when I return to the workforce, I will have to explain why I haven't' "worked" in two years (three years by the time we leave here).

That scares the crap out of me and sends me downward spiraling into anxiety wondering what I have to show for the past thirty years of my life. I have a family but no career, no degree (I will get that done though, pinky swear), no income of my own. I just have to keep reminding myself that I live a life that's perfect for me. That works for my family and if that doesn't fit into what society (and my environment) has taught me is acceptable for a thirty year old, then so be it. Anyways, thirty is the new twenty so I still have ten more years to figure things out.

A Better Me in 2015

I know, it's clique but I really do want to accomplish some self-improvement over the next year. 2014 was a good year. It wasn't great...I guess you can call it mediocre. I don't want to look back on 2015 and feel the same way. I always make a list of New Year's Resolutions and looking back, I have rarely kept them...I don't think I truly ever made a complete effort either. So, when I was looking back on the resolutions I made for 2015, I realized that my list was superficial. I sat down and thought about the improvements I would really like to make. I thought about where I wanted to be mentally, physically and spiritually in one year. This is what I ended up with:

1. Meditate daily
2. Exercise at least twice a week
3. Get dressed daily (this may seem like a no-brainer to some but as a stay at home mom who sometimes doesn't leave the house for an entire week, getting dressed was not at the top of my list of priorities)
4. Eat healthy; limit sugars (I have a huge sweet tooth)
5. Stick to a routine (daily and cleaning)
6. Spend at least one hour daily playing with the boys (the way the want) with no distractions
7. Invest in myself
8. Put out positive energy

In the past, I would attempt to make changes and when I thought I would fail, I would just stop. I'm hoping that this year will be different. I realize that these changes won't happen overnight but I also understand that just because I mess up one day, one week or even one month, that doesn't make my resolution/goal a failure. I have an entire year to make changes. I just need to get up and do it.

Do any of you make resolutions/goals? Does it take awhile for your changes to become habits?

Making Conscious Decisions

I have neglected this blog. Honestly, I never really knew what I wanted from this space. I knew I wanted to share our lives but I also wanted to use this space as an outlet.

Over the last year, I have lost myself. Being a stay at home mom was never in my plans. Even though I didn't work a traditional full-time job when we were in the states (I worked as a Breastfeeding Counselor as well as served at my Guard base), I still had an identity of my own. Moving to Germany and staying home definitely changed that. I finally realized that I need to reclaim my identity. Don't get me wrong, I love staying home with my boys but I know that I need to make some changes in order for me to be the best possible mom for them. I feel like October is a good month for change. It's the first full month of Autumn (one of my favorite seasons), the leaves are changing, the weather is changing so why not implement some changes/self-improvement as well.

Source

1. Release negativity from our lives. 

This means breaks from Facebook (the main source of social media I use) and removing negative people and conversations. I'll also make a conscious effort to put out a positive energy. 

2. Eating sensibly

I know that clean eating means so many different things. To me, it means eating less processed foods and using whole, organic ingredients whenever possible. I tend to hold the boys to a stricter standard than myself but that will change. If they can't eat it, neither can I. 

3. Take care of myself

This is the one I will have a hard time doing. I have let myself become such a low priority that I have forgotten who I am. I'm going to invest time in myself, doing things I enjoy. I think that will make a world of difference.

I'm hoping to use this space to document this journey, to express my feelings, fears, insecurities and to share our imperfectly perfect lives.

Marriage is...

HARD! I'll be the first to admit that we do not have a perfect marriage (or relationship for that matter). I did not have great examples of healthy relationships growing up. My parents divorced when I was young (and never really had a great relationship during or after their marriage) and although my mom had relationships after that, they were usually unhealthy.

I always knew that if I got married, I wanted a marriage different than the ones I saw growing up. I wanted my children to have a stable household full of love. Well, I think we've accomplished those aspects of our relationship but there are some areas that need to be improved.

Over the past month, both Will and I have put a lot more effort into our marriage. We've started to do more things as a family (even though Will runs on a regular basis, he has started doing my 5K running plan with me and the boys as well). We have also made communicating a priority. I think that has been the biggest issue with our marriage and I'd like to see that change. I have come to realize that we'll never have the perfect marriage and I have to accept that. There will be hard times and there will be good times but I wouldn't have it any other way. The way I see it, if we didn't have hard times, we wouldn't appreciate the good ones. Let's hope for lots of good times in our future.

Merry Christmas to You and Yours!

From Will and Jaye and the Boys

Jaye's Christmas Wishlist 2013

I know Christmas is right around the corner but just in case anyone was wondering, here is my Christmas Wishlist!

1.2.3.4.

At This Moment...

I am fighting the urge to scream. Like an "at the top of my lungs" scream. So much is going on all at the same time that I feel caught in a tornado, spinning round and round with no end in sight.

I've lost myself. "Finding" myself has been on the top of my "To-Do" list for awhile now (along with mopping my floors) but it's hard to feel normal or "myself" (whoever that may be) when for the last three years, I have either been pregnant or nursing. My body and mind have been so dedicated to taking care of my tiny loves that I've almost forgotten how to take care of myself. It probably doesn't help that I am currently in the midst of deployment drama (Will's mother was sick and he came home on emergency leave but now we're trying to figure out if/when he's going to be heading back) as well as the Liam's pre-terrible three stage.

Ugghh. Oh, and I feel like horrible about complaining because I know our situation could be a lot worse. Now, I know this doesn't explain why this blog's neglected but I promise (pinky swear) that I will be back soon with updates on the boys and pictures from our flight back to the states to see Nana Shanna.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to relax and watch as many episodes of True Blood with my love. I may just need to watch while drinking lots of wine.

Life and Time.

Just a few of our Photo Booth pictures

Time...it really goes by fast, you know. I mean, I should be used to it by now. I am 28 years old but sometimes it still takes me by surprise when I look around and realize that time has slipped by. So much has happened in our lives over the last few months (especially the arrival of our little baby Asher).

We arrived in Germany five months ago. In this time we've settled into a sort of normal life (although our sense of normalcy will be turned upside down once again). It still baffles me a little that Liam will know this as home. He's already forgotten our life in Kansas, the life that I seem to be holding on to. It's so weird to realize that when we leave Germany, he'll actually have to adjust to living in the US. He'll be used to bright colored homes with houseplants in every window, bike/walking trails that can take you from one town to another, dogs in restaurants/stores, and of course, being surrounded by the German language and culture. I really wish that I could say I have adapted as well as he has but I guess I still have time on my side (if it would slow down a bit).

Over the next few days, I plan to have more updates on our lives since moving to Germany. I'll have each post relate to a specific topic (such as Life and Liam) so you can skip over them if you're not interested. Hopefully this will get me caught up and I can start posting on a regular basis! I really do have lots of plans for this blog and I hope that they come through and this can be a place where I can share and feel at home.

Texas: Dallas Zoo

While in Texas, we decided to take another trip to the zoo. I really wanted to go to the Dallas zoo (even though it is smaller than the Fort Worth zoo) for one reason: You can feed the giraffes. I love giraffes! They are absolutely one of my favorite animals (besides Artemus, of course) so just the thought of feeding one made me practically burst with excitement.
This time we hit the zoo up with Will's dad, step mom and grandparents. We had a great time. The bird area was amazing! One bird flew and landed on top of Liam's head. He, understandably, freaked out and was done with the birds but that memory alone made this one of my favorite zoo experiences ever. Here are some pictures from our second zoo trip!

This bird flew up to me and started checking my pockets

Liam's new friend with the adorable gold Cowgirl boots

I have a confession...

Being in Germany scares the crap out of me. I thought I was ready for this change but in all actuality, I am not. We've been here for three days and I haven't even left our hotel. At first I chalked it up to jet lag and Liam having a cold but now, I just have to face the reality that this life change scares me.

When Will and I got married, I knew moving would be in our future and that was fine and dandy because we were in Kansas. I was around my family and friends and didn't have to associate with other wives because I had a support system. Now, things are completely different. Not only am I in a new environment but I am without a support system other than Will and Liam (and Artemus). I actually have to put myself out there and make friends, something that has never come easy for me.

I know I can't stay inside forever (Liam won't let me) but I know that once I start exploring, it will hit me that I am no longer in Kansas. I am far away from home, far away from the people I know, love and trust. Once that sets in, I don't know what I will do. Will I go out and try to meet friends? If not, I doubt that I will make it here for three years.

(p.s. I'm pretty sure this was the most depressing post about Germany ever. I promise that they won't all be this way)

We're in Germany!

We all made it in one piece! It was an interesting and long journey (and I'm glad we won't have to do it again for three years) but we're here and excited. We haven't gotten out yet since Liam is still adjusting to the new time zone and he also has a cold (poor guy). We will be back soon to update the blog with pictures from our last couple weeks in Texas as well as a few from our journey here. See you guys soon!

Our Texas and Germany Adventure: Part I

We have arrived in Texas! After a long (long) car ride and some terrifying Dallas highway driving, we made our way to the first stop of our overseas adventure. We will be here for over a month and have lots of plans so far. I'm trying to remind Will that we don't need to cram everything in right away. We have plenty of time to get out and enjoy time with family.

So far, we've spent a lot of time with Will's mom and stepdad. Will also has a much younger sister who has become the perfect companion for Liam. Over the past couple days I have started to feel a little under the weather. It started as a bit of a stomachache then turned into a full-blown cold (and sore throat). I am feeling a lot better now so we plan to hang out with Will's dad and stepmom. I'm planning to keep my camera nearby to capture lots of pictures while we are out. Here are a couple pictures of our trip so far!

TMI Series: End of Month Three aka We're Pregnant!

That's right! Month three was a successful month for us and we couldn't be happier. Yay!!

I kind of knew I was pregnant before I even tested. I used Fertility Friend to chart my cycle and was also able to access the charts of other TTC women. I had a VIP trial on the site so I was able to chart my symptoms as well. I think this helped a lot and gave me a visual, which helped me keep track of everything.

I test on cycle day 25 and got a faint positive! So of course, I kept testing (just to be completely sure) and kept getting positive tests. This is definitely an exciting time for us but it is also a little scary. We are planning a move to Germany and our new baby will be born while we're living overseas. I'm sure things will be great but I wouldn't be me if I didn't worry just a bit. Thanks to everyone who sent us some baby dust. Now here's to a healthy pregnancy!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow (Maybe)

I am contemplating a huge hair change tomorrow. This change has been in the making for a few months now but I think the time has come to finally take this huge step.
Since I was about 14 years old, I have been chemically straightening, or relaxing, my hair. Over the last couple of years, I have tried to take better care of my hair. I became a YouTube junkie, bought tons of hair products and spent hours upon hours in the hair salon (literally). Now, I never had an issue with my naturally curly hair. Mostly I kept relaxing it because that's what I had to do. Relaxed hair doesn't revert back to curly so once you make the decision to use chemicals to change the texture of your hair, you are making a commitment to the upkeep that comes along with straighter hair.
One of the main reasons I decided to "go natural" is that I am trying to live a healthier life. I want to eat better, live better and limit my families exposure to harsh chemicals. I had to admit that the chemicals I was putting on my hair every 6-8 weeks was not healthy at all. I frequently suffered from burns on my scalp, headaches and to be honest, my hair suffered at times. The final straw came when I realized that I had severe breakage in the center of my head. I knew that it was time for me to make a change and try something different.
It has now been about four months since my last relaxer. I have about two inches of "natural" growth which doesn't look like much when your hair is tightly coiled. After talking things over with Will and my mom (who actually just cut all her hair off recently), I plan to cut all my hair off tomorrow. I plan to go to a barber shop and explain my situation to them. I want to keep my little two inches of growth but the rest of it can go. I am not the type of person who likes to hang on to something I no longer feel I need (or want). Besides, it's only hair. It will eventually grow back (and hopefully be better than ever). Although this is a big move, I'm excited to make this change. Plus, I think this will make doing my hair much easier while in Germany. Wish me luck!

TMI Series: TTC Month Three

Welcome to TTC Month Three! Things have been chugging along well and I'm happy to say that I have been a bit more relaxed this month. We had a little bit of a surprise last month when I got a positive pregnancy test. I actually tested on day three of my menstrual cycle (which was a couple days late). I hadn't planned on testing, however, my menstrual cycle was a little weird that month. I am a firm believer in listening and knowing your body. Once I tested and got the positive, I wasn't sure if it was right. I decided to test again later on in the week and got a negative. Deep down, I knew
I wasn't pregnant. I contacted my nurse advice line and the nurse ordered a blood test, just in case.
We are hopeful that this will be our month. I am currently on cycle day 15. Since I am trying to relax this month, I will not be buying a large supply of pregnancy testing strips. Instead, I will purchase a few tests and as of right now, plan to test on cycle day 24 or 25.

We have lot of exciting plans this coming up this month so I don't think it will be hard to resist the urge to pee on a stick. I will definitely be back later on this month with an update on our TTC situation. Until then, have fun guys!

TMI Series: End of TTC Month Two

As I thought, July was not our month for getting pregnant so the process starts again. I adjusted my MyDays app according to when I believe I ovulated last month as well as the number of days in my cycle. I'm sure this will work a little better and help me relax about the whole process. I will not be purchasing a large number of pregnancy testing strips again. I have been debating about purchasing ovulation testing strips to ensure that I know when I'm ovulating but I think that will just cause a little obsession. We'll see though.
Of course I'm hoping that this will be our month but I also know that I can't force anything. When it happens, it happens. For now, we'll just enjoy the ride.

TMI Series: TTC Month Two (Update)

Well, it's looking as though this will not be our month to conceive. Although I have been tracking my cycle since last month, I have been guessing about the number of days in my cycle due to having my Implanon removed. I have tried my best not to obsess over this but it has been so hard. As I mentioned in my previous month two post, I purchased a large number of pregnancy testing strips and believe me, I have been putting those to use. I started testing about 10 days post ovulation. I am still holding on to a little hope since I didn't get a positive test before my first missed period with Liam. According to my MyDays app, my period is due to start today. I have experienced cramping today but besides that, nothing. I plan to test again tomorrow morning but if my period shows up, I will start planning for month three.

I'll update you guys either way but continue to send those baby vibes until then!

TMI Series: TTC Month Two

As I've mentioned a few times before, we are trying for baby number two. We are currently in our second month of trying and are still crossing our fingers that things will happen sooner rather than later.

I'm actually new to the process of trying to conceive. When Will and I decided that we were going to try to get pregnant with Liam, I just stopped taking my birth control pills, downloaded the My Days app for my phone, and I was pregnant within a month. This time I'm almost expecting us to have a hard time getting pregnant. I don't know if it's the lack of ignorance due to all of the googling I've been doing or the fact that it was so easy the first time.

There are so many horror stories about pregnancy after Implanon on the internet. The stories range from fertility not returning to successfully getting pregnant only to have it result in a miscarriage (which I'm sure wasn't linked to the Implanon but still scare, nonetheless). I guess I should be happy that things seem to have gone back to normal right after having it removed. My doctor said that it usually takes four days for the hormones to leave your system. When I inputted my information into the My Days app, I rigged it to where I would be ovulating on day four (even though I had no idea when I would ovulate) and based on a 28 day cycle, it showed me when the first day of my period would be. Well, I actually got my period on the day it showed which actually doesn't surprise me too much. My cycle has always been pretty predictable. I have never missed a period except for while pregnant with Liam and when I had my Implanon (my doctor said that it was probably a combination of the Implanon and breastfeeding that kept my period away).

I know that a period doesn't automatically mean that ovulation is taking place as well. I'm really trying not to stress or obsess over this but it's so hard. In an effort to keep the cost of testing down, I ordered a large amount of pregnancy testing strips from early-pregnancy-tests.com. The site also sells ovulation testing strips but for some reason I didn't order any (I immediately regretted this decision after I paid but didn't feel like placing another order). If I'm not pregnant in the next three months, then I'll definitely want to make sure I am ovulating but for now, I have noticed signs of ovulation so I'll just go with it.

According to the My Days app, I should have ovulated yesterday so I think I'll start testing ten days from now. So, send some baby dust my way and (crossing my fingers) hopefully I'll have good news to share in a couple weeks.

A Little About My Job!

For anyone who reads my blog (which is probably just my little sister, Hi Jahnaia!), I mentioned that I have found a job. I am working as a Breastfeeding Peer Counselor through our local health department. This position is not unheard of but it is usually through WIC so this is a new area for everyone. I will be able to work with anyone who uses the health department for services (this is includes WIC but doesn't exclude those who do not qualify for WIC). Since starting the job, I have met lots of amazing women and realized that the position I am in is actually really important and there are a lot of people who are not only excited about it but also expecting me to do a great job. No pressure or anything but it is motivating me to work hard and try to make the most of the position.
Although I work through the health department, I am technically not a health department employee. I don't have an office, I don't come in to work everyday, I actually work mostly from home. When nursing moms need assistance, I receive a referral from the health department informing me of the issue(s) that the mom is experiencing. I then contact the mom and see if I can assist her by stopping by and giving her nursing advice. Well, I have received four referrals this week. I really wasn't expecting to even have any referrals so this was an awesome surprise. So far, I've only met with two moms (who were really nice) and although I don't have all the answers, I hope that I helped them out as much as I can.
After my two counselings, I realized that I would love to do this as a career. As of right now, I am completely satisfied being a BFPC but I eventually want to become a LPN and continue the path to becoming a board certified lactation consultant. Those are future plans though. Right now, I want to be a great resource for nursing moms in my county. I want moms to know that if I don't have the answer, I will do my hardest to figure it out for them. That being said, I need to get started on some online training while Liam is sleeping. Have a great weekend everyone!